it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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