I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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