thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize