im six kinds of drunk right now
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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