There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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