I heard we made out
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize