so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
