I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
