You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
