i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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