I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
NoShamevember. You game?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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