I wish my penis had an off switch
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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