She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
