he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
