White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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