I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You were trust falling into bushes
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
