I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
