The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
