never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
