Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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