Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
