Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
