If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
