there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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