My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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