i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
