I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
