Cold hands, warm shart.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
