His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize