It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
