I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
