I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
