how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
