I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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