the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
