I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i've created a new STD.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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