trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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