His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
