Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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