i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
