so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
