u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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