He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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