I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
