The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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