I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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