i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
