the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
