Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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