she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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