Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
