we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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