Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
