I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
