my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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