No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
