just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
