I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
how drunk are you?
Several
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
