so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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