this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
