I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
